This post began in week 5. Since then, my issues have been partially resolved, however my attitude continues to fluctuate. I finally got out skiing this past week during Spring Break in Colorado. It amazed me how much I had to alter my old routine to fit in the breastfeeding. I never realized just how much was involved with skiing until I had to think about pumping, feeding, child care, and how to transport everyone and everything. I wound up feeding Emerson on the sidewalk outside a coffee shop because I had no where else to feed him. This experience reminded me of this old post that I had yet to complete, and I decided to complete it.
Here is the original post:
I admit to being a bit self-righteous when I declared that I'd be breast feeding Emerson. I did not anticipate the true challenge that was ahead of me at that time. I feel that I need to write this post to help other to-be moms who are making the decision on whether or not to breast feed, as well as be a support for those moms going through the same situation, and struggle, as me.
I really believe that there is something natural to breastfeeding. I know that I am providing the nutrients Emerson needs. But, being that he is only in the 15% range for weight right now, I found myself afraid that I wasn't providing what he needs, although he is still showing weight gain and growth, the only requirements for a doctor to determine whether or not breastfeeding is working out exclusively. So this is one of the moments when I feared that I may need to rethink my original decision for him.
Then, there is the discomfort. I don't know at this moment how I am going to ever work out and bounce again?! It is not the chapped pain, but more like I am bruised, and each suck causes excruciating pain. I may be one of the blessed few who never get past the pain of beginning breastfeeding. This is honestly quite devastating to me. I really want to continue to feed him, but I also cannot sacrifice myself.
So, I began to pump, and it isn't necessarily unsuccessful, but it feels like I never get enough out to save for a whole feeding, I always have to combine one or two pumps for a whole bottle. I don't know how in the next 2 and a half weeks I will build up a store for going back to work. And then there is work. That is seriously stressing me out. How will I schedule pumpings, feedings, and sleep?! I cannot think about it too long or I just lose my mind!
Unless, of course, I start supplementing with formula. Which I did. I gave in and it makes me feel like I have failed. I feel like now that I've used a bottle, my milk will slowly start to diminish, my son's tastes will turn to formula over breastmilk, and this whole goal will go out the window. I wanted to make it at least a month without formula, and I did, but now that I've seen the bit of peace and joy I can have from giving a bottle instead of breastfeeding- freedom! Tempting, really tempting.
And here are my added thoughts after 5 months of exclusively breast-feeding:
It is truly tempting to give up breastfeeding and instead give Emerson bottles. I can now completely understand and respect women who either cannot breastfeed due to complications, discomfort, or lifestyle. I sometimes think of how nice it would be to have Kyle take one night so I could sleep completely uninterrupted. Not to mention having the ability to enjoy a glass of wine without thinking "how long until I need to feed Emerson again?" I have a personal goal to make it through our upcoming travels to Peru exclusively breastfeeding. After that, I may need to face the reality that I just can't get as much done as needs to get done with a baby attached to me between 5 and 7 times a day. Considering that I have to go in to the nursery at work to feed him twice a day, I also am not nearly as productive at work during my prep time. This continuous pattern of feeding led to a near mental breakdown. Hence why it may not be worth it for much longer if I want to regain some of my freedom and sanity.
On the other hand, I also now completely respect the women who, like me, chose to take the breastfeeding route. It takes serious commitment, a high tolerance for pain, patience, and lots of cell phone data usage. I do not miss the hour-and-a-half feeding sessions of the first two months of Emerson's life, but I do miss the extra time that I used to spend with him. I love the smile on Emerson's face when he sees me and his "tent" (my drape), and his little grins when he is full and looking up at me with a sense of gratitude. I love of satisfaction of getting a good burp out of him, and the hilarity of his "rooting" behaviors (shoulders, arms, belly... all are fair game when he is hungry). Since it is no longer painful, and Emerson eats in about 20 minutes or less, this breastfeeding thing was worth sticking to and I think that, for me, it was the right decision.
But, it has been one long-strange trip. I was nowhere NEAR prepared for the actual discomfort, for the frustration, for the stress of pumping and saving to return to work, but I can assure other struggling moms out there that it DOES get easier. Also, don't believe that 2-3 weeks is all it may take, like I did, but know that it could be much longer before it begins to be painless and become a routine and not a struggle.
I will recommend a breastfeeding app to help you keep track of which side you last fed on, rotating sides to help balance out the supply (so one boob isn't leaking and the other empty), and turning to other moms for support when you need it. Also, as my good friend told me, don't fear the occasional bottle of formula to help you "get ahead" in the storage game. I am lucky in that Emery didn't seem to know the difference, except for smelly poo afterwards, and I wish I wouldn't have been so afraid of the bottle.
So, there you have it, my thoughts on the ever-embattled topic of breast vs. bottle feeding. To sum it up, do what you want, what works for you and your family, and don't be ashamed to give up or to give in, but also don't give in too soon.
