How being a sorority girl prepared me for motherhood

I have recently been getting more involved with my sorority alumni group again. I have always had a passion for my sorority, but for some reason now that I am a mom I feel the desire to be surrounded even more by their wisdom and influence. Perhaps it is the insurgence of anchor baby gear out there recently...

This onesie with matching socks is from Old Navy

Either way, this past weekend I was able to spend 4 days in the presence of some of the most amazing women from the Fraternity during our Phoenix-hosted convention. It was full of hard work, joy, and amazing leadership that inspired me and moved me. I love feeling reconnected to our purpose and to the organization that gave me my first job out of college, my best friends, my husband, and so much more over the years.

So, in honor of Delta Gamma and all the memories, here are the ways that being a sorority girl prepared me for motherhood:

1. Crafts. The stereotype is quite true here. Being in a sorority, or in Delta Gamma's case, an international fraternity, requires some level of craftiness. From designing anchors for initiation, to decorating for recruitment, I painted, scrapbooked, and designed my little heart out all of college. This naturally translates into doing the same for my son, from designing birth announcements to decorating his nursery. 

2. Late nights. So many of my nights in college were filled with friends, long talks, and sometimes the occasional crazy late night snack runs after parties. Sometimes we cried. Sometimes we laughed until we cried. Sometimes we still get together and repeat these late nights. So, when my son decided to be a night owl, I was not surprised. He loves to stay up until 10 or even 11 these days. And of course, there is always the middle of the night wake ups, which are a lot less painful when I've become more accustomed to late night schedules!

3. Screaming. Sometimes, sorority girls scream. Often, these are playful or cheerful screams rooting each other on in sports, dance marathons, award ceremonies, concerts... We scream our cheers to let others know who we are during recruitment. Yet, sometimes, we scream at each other. It is a side effect of placing hoards of women in the same place for extended periods of time during recruitment, or retreat, or just because we love each other so much we just lose it once in awhile. When Emerson screams, I just walk away for a few breaths and try to figure out the cause. When I can fix it, I do. When it is because he is just so happy, I just cheer along with him!

4. Emotional roller coasters. I think this is pretty self-explanatory. Supporting sisters during tough times, like the loss of a family member, and joyful times, like the many weddings we were all at and in, caused tears for so many reasons. Sometimes we had to say goodbye, and sometimes we embraced in a reunion. Likewise, pregnancy was just the beginning of the hormonal flux of emotion. Sleepless nights and life's stresses added to this roller coaster ride during the first months of motherhood. Now, the emotions continue to flow, unexpected and unwanted at times (darn Google and Carter's commercials) and completely expected at other times (that first smile of recognition, dropping him off for daycare). I am hanging on and enjoying the ride, even if it does require that I take stock in Kleenex.

5. Singing. This skill really started for me before college, in high school, during show choir. It continued when I was song leader for the chapter. Now, everything is a song. Emerson gets a chorus for every occasion, from putting him to sleep at night, to getting him up in the morning. "It's Diaper Time" is his dad's favorite tune. I like "Little Baby Emerson". Just like the sorority songs catered the lyrics to our causes, so do we for Emerson. Hopefully he doesn't care that I can't carry a tune as well as I used to be able to.

6. Support. My sisters and I have supported each other through so many life changes. We continue to be a support system as we all become mothers and can reaffirm each other and help clarify questions when needed. I don't know what I would do without my DGs and all they have done to support me through these past 18 months, really.

There is just so much that being a part of a sorority/Fraternity can provide for young women out there, just like it did for me. When I brought Emerson to Convention over the weekend, every DG momma out there offered to hold him, played with him, smiled at him, and took in the joy that he spreads with every bright-eyed smile. And he wore his anchors proudly as mommy's little anchor man!

Emerson meeting a little legacy Laura!

Anchors during the day!

And anchors at night!

Photo ops!

Seeing Laurie Rubin's lectureship was amazing! Emerson even behaved!

All tired out from a long day at the Biltmore.

Now, I just hope that in the future he doesn't make me pull out the lessons learned from dealing with fraternity boys...

Emerson's First Father's Day!

I didn't forget that this past weekend marked yet one more important milestone for both Emerson and Kyle- the FIRST FATHER'S DAY!

We were already in Colorado, so really I didn't have to work hard to look for something fun to do.

First, I surprised Kyle by planning a family photo shoot with our wedding photographer, Paige Eden Photography! I really wanted some updated photos of Emerson, since the last professional photos we took were for Christmas when he was a month old. Also, I just wanted a cool landscape with trees!

Next, we had a Father's Day brunch in Denver with my dad, my family, and Kyle. Then we headed up the mountain and met up with our friends the Haneys for a drink by the lake at the Tiki Bar. Last, we celebrated with Kyle's dad at the Cala Inn for dinner, even though trivia was cancelled.

I also bought Emerson this adorable onesie to wear to document the special occasion from Zullily.

Emerson's funny face! Looks like he is wishing his dad a happy father's day verbally!

We also took some great shots with his dad on our own, but don't worry, I will share the professional ones once we have them!

Super happy!

And you can't beat this view at sunset!

8 Months Old!

Well, another major milestone Monday has come and gone, and this one was in celebration of Emerson's 8 Months!

Along with all the other exciting things going on that I shared last week, we have additional major changes in Emerson's life!

1. 2 Teeth! His bottom left front tooth and his top right front tooth have BOTH poked through. It is about time after all the drooling and chewing the past 5 months! :)

2. Emerson started solids beyond rice cereal and oatmeal. We have had bites of avocado, watermelon, pear, and full servings of sweet potatoes, squash, carrots, green beans, and peas. All of the Gerber variety except for the "bites". However, last night we tried homemade peas and he was a little hesitant. I think that we didn't puree it enough so the little lumps threw him off.

3. Emerson really likes to shake his head like he is saying "no". Although he does it at random times, he usually does it when I click my tongue. We call it "dancing".

4. Emerson has started to mimic people and do what they do.

5. Emerson likes to stick out his tongue and spit, a lot. I think this must feel good on his teeth.

Above all else, he is just getting cuter and more playful everyday. He loves to squeal and talk and is getting very strong. He took a chunk out of my nose with his nail the other day, and he can head butt pretty hard! He also likes to move, so he is leaning forward and sitting up on his own regularly, as well as spinning himself around on the ground, in the bed, wherever! We certainly will not be leaving him unattended on a raised surface anymore.

I love being 8-months old!

So happy! I am ready to jump out of this chair!

Check out my pose, mom!

I just had to add in this other one for his smile!

A Mega Milestone Monday

Well, I have gotten off my routine for blogging with trying to get that work and home balance. But I have a lot of milestones to share for this Monday.

1. Emerson is eating solids regularly now. We started with rice cereal then moved on to oatmeal and now he has had avocado, watermelon, and sweet potatoes. We have a hilarious video of his first meal and first avocado bite, if I can figure out how to load them.

2. Emerson sits up on his own without support for extended periods of time.

3. Emerson learned how to smack his lips like mommy and daddy and copies us and grins.

4. Emerson likes to shake his head like he is saying no. Or just because he hears a noise. We think he is exploring peripheral vision.

5. Emerson went on his first solo plane trip with mom. He is now at that age where playing and socializing is way may fun than sleeping on a plane. Good thing we sat next to kids.

6. Mom got her first scorpion sting while solo parenting Emerson because Kyle was backpacking.  After spending an afternoon on the floor and couch because I couldn't walk, we actually felt good enough and went to a graduation party. Trying to sleep in such pain was the worst part. But we survived the weekend.

As you can see, we have been busy, with more changes and learning happening every day. But we are living life to the fullest while I am on summer break.

To Be or Not To Be...

Is there a mom rehab? If so, I really need to enroll in it.

I may seem to jest, but there is a level of urgency in my quest to figure out this whole balance thing.

Let me elaborate a bit.

As it does every year, the school year closed out last week with a bit of a bang. And then a whimper. I hit a maximum peak (on a relative scale of the entire Rocky Mountain range) of stress (per the metaphor, this happens regularly, not just at this time of year), with AP testing, finishing grades, chasing down student work that has been missing since January, and planning for next year simultaneously. It can be compared to any major push in any field, whether a new marketing campaign, or a product going live, or a system overhaul of protocol. We all feel stress at some points in our careers, and some of us just worry more about doing a good job and being at the top of our fields despite the level of intensity it may require. Anyway, in teaching, it is nearly impossible for me to do just the minimum and I push myself consistently. It is no wonder that given the newest stage of our lives-parenthood- that I wanted to quit more regularly than ever.

Quit being a mother that is.

I know that this statement may be opening myself up to loads of criticism, but as I mentioned in the past, there is a level of truth that I believe needs to be shared and discussed, and without this conversation happening, women everywhere are going to continue to think that they are alone, and that they are weird.

So yes, it is not my job that I contemplated eliminating from my daily grind. I'd take all that stress, that elevated level of responsibility coupled with cuts in pay, that thankless crowd that walks in and out of the doors daily, that group of misinformed parents or politicians or other coworkers who don't see the full picture, over the trials of figuring out how to parent ANY day.

This is the first time in my life when I have failed. How did I exactly fail, you ask? Well, I was DEAD WRONG about how well I was mentally and physically prepared, for one. Let me illustrate: I knew when I was 12 that I wanted to be a teacher. I wrote an essay about it in a book of essays I published in English that year. I wrote about changing lives through literature and that I wanted to help support students who were struggling or who just needed motivation. I never really strayed from that goal, and I spent the next decade of my life following the steps to get to that goal. I have a Master's in Education, a Bachelor's in English, and 10 years of experience in the classroom, and I can honestly say that there was never a time when I felt like "Gee, I was way off on this plan, this isn't right for me".

I thought that I had done the same in preparation for becoming a mother. Watching my mom "be a mother" my entire life, I felt like there was nothing more that I was meant for in this world than to be a mother myself. I played with dolls, Barbies, my own siblings, and was a babysitter, nanny, and day care employee for at least the same length of time that I was preparing to become a teacher, if not longer.  I mean, I chose a career that allowed me to be on the same schedule as my kids so that I could be a mother AND a teacher. I dreamed of the day when I'd actually see all my years of practice become a reality. Through my whole pregnancy, I felt excited, relaxed, and totally open to whatever was about to happen.

And then we were blessed with this incredible son. He is just perfect. He slept through the night early on (albeit not anymore), he smiles ALL THE TIME, he likes everyone, he sleeps in crowded restaurants and concerts or in the quiet of home, he never turns down a bottle or anything you feed him for that matter, and he is rarely sick. I mean, the ideal situation. And my husband just falls right into fatherhood, like I always knew he would, playing fun games, getting Emerson to smile on camera, volunteering to wake up in the wee hours to dress him and washing breast pump parts at night. He is amazing.

SO WHAT THE HELL?! Why do I feel like I am drowning and that I will never be the mother that I always thought I'd be? Why can't I just enjoy this perfect, wonderful little man and my outstanding family and the outstanding life we created? Like a parasite eating away at me, I only feel worse and worse. I know that I am falling behind on work. I know that my house is a toxic mental environment filled with too much clutter to focus on any given task. I know that I am letting Emerson down. I have let myself down. I have failed.

Imagine that the one thing that you waited for 30 years for was all an illusion. Reality has caused me many tears, many sleepless nights, and many panic attacks full of anxiety. Not only am I struggling daily with keeping Emerson happy, I am also struggling to balance work, which I still have a passion for and love, with my home life, which I'd rather avoid than face some days.

And that is why I need mom rehab.

Not to mention that I am completely surrounded by women that make it look so easy! Confident, capable, balanced women.  Women who are creative. Women who have sacrificed time, energy, talent, and sometimes careers because they knew that being a mother was their priority. I have friends who didn't just use Pinterest, but CREATED Pinterest pins. Seriously, I have friends whose party ideas or room designs are now the subject of complete strangers' "vision boards". I have friends with not just 1 kid, but 2, 3, or 4! I know women who can spend 8-10 hours a day with just their children and not feel like a lunatic at the end of it. I know women who volunteer for charitable organizations that support moms like me who need rehab.

So maybe that is just my perception, but it is one that is creating an obsession with figuring out a solution before poor Emerson becomes a statistic.  "Boys whose mothers never enrolled them in sports." "Boys whose mothers neglected to throw them a theme party for their first birthday". "Boys living with their single dads."

As Hamlet contemplated in one of the most famous scenes of Shakespeare, I, too, have wondered whether "tis nobler to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune" or "by opposing, end them." It would be downright selfish of me to quit being a mother, so I know I never will. But that doesn't mean that I haven't wanted to. That doesn't mean that on my worst days I didn't wish that I could just go to work, rock it in the classroom, and come home to a good martini and a husband whose time was not shared with a 3rd human. The darkest moment was when I thought about granting him full custody and moving to another state to start over. Again, I sadly, but fortunately, knew that the social repercussions of doing such an action would have caused such emotional distress that there was no way I'd actually do that. But again, feeling inadequate as a mom and not feeling like I had the power or skills to keep Emerson happy (apart from keeping him fed) isn't something I've been immune to. It is the dark side of motherhood and I am not going to sit here and deny it.

On the positive side, I know that there is a solution. Many, many people, who I have started to reach out to and share this story with, have told me that a mother's first job is to take care of herself so that she CAN take care of her children and husband. So there, the first step of mom rehab is admitting you have a problem. My problem is that I can count on 1 hand how many things I have done for myself in the past 7.5 months. Not for the advancement of my career. Not for the well-being of my husband. Not for the social gratification. FOR ME ALONE. So, I guess I'll start accepting ideas. Step 2 of mom rehab- having faith that this small start will eventually lead to me finding complete happiness again. And to stop feeling like a horrible mom.

Emerson playing at daycare on dressy day!

Emerson's First Camping Experience!

Emerson finally had an opportunity to live up to his namesake and go to the woods. We headed out to Woods Canyon Lake for a night of camping. I had only been camping once while I was pregnant, and Kyle made sure that he provided as much comfort as possible. I knew that we'd be going back to our "old ways" now that I didn't have the pregnancy excuse. This means no cushy stuff. No air mattress. Only eating the minimum. No complaining.

Well, we set off with peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and Capriotti's, CLIF bars and chips and dip. Since part of Arizona was burning, we were not able to make food on the campfire like I traditionally do. That also meant no warmth in the evening hours.

And there was NO warmth. It was really cold. 65 doesn't seem that cold to most people, but there was only a little sunshine, and a slight breeze, and for us thin-blooded Arizonans, we kept the hoodies on during the day.

At night, it was beanie and winter-coat weather. Kyle didn't even bring socks. But, Emerson was well-prepared with a hat, mittens, and a sleep sack. With his fleece pjs, he was plenty warm.  We still only opted to stay the one night, but it was a good first attempt!

Overall, the weekend was full of good company, some card games, beautiful trees, and shivering.

Emerson in his adorable beanie, playing in the tent in the wee hours of the morning until it was warm enough to get out

No worries about the cold, mom, I am still happy!

Giggling in the tent- so many pretty colors to stare out.

The sun setting over camp.

Mom I like my camp chair!

Hanging out with mommy in the woods!